Pooping when I want too.

Something that I really enjoy doing is taking a nice big crap.  It's probably because I don't do enough of them.   If I have 2 movements (that sounds so musical and philosophical) in a day I consider the day a success and reward myself with 3 or 4 pints.  

If I'm constipated I'll have a whole 6-pack and hope for liquor shits the next day.

I actually experience joy when I am moments away from taking a shit.   If people were watching me walking down the hall to the mens room and they saw the little skip I had in my step - they would likely know that something was up - if they also saw that I had a newspaper or a magazine under my arm it wouldn't take Sherlock Holmes to deduce where I was going to place the crime scene.

The type of poop doesn't matter so long as it has some "meat" to it.   Some substance and a pound or so.   It can be one that I know will shoot out quickly with little to no encouragement from my flabby abs, or it could be a shit that will make me bleed and cry out in little bursts of pain.   Either way, I am happy its arrived and sitting on the toilet has never felt better.

Once in the bathroom with whatever reading material I can locate (and I do mean anything - from an insurance pamphlet to a receipt left next to the toilet - I really don't care) I sit down and enjoy the pre-poop flutters.   But then the super annoying thing happens:

Someone else enters the bathroom.

If only I had access to the private washroom then I wouldn't care, but sometimes others neat me to it (usually women who just need to pee and are too impatient to wait for the of the 3 stalls in the ladies toilet).   This bathroom isn't 100% ideal though even if you make it in.  One of my MANY fears is that I will one day in my excitement forget to actually lock the door and with my luck one of the few good-looking girls will walk in on me as I squeeze one out.   All they will behold is my shocked face, my pale skinny legs, and my pathetic old boxer shorts - I pity them.  No matter how hard I try - I can't even imagine a good porn scene suddenly developing - the thought of people walking in on me can do nog good.  Actually, it makes no difference if it was an office hottie or one of the old gals who walk with a limp - it would still be embarrassing and I would still have to make the decision (upon discovery) of getting up and quitting right then and there - or completing the shit.

I hope it never comes to that.

I would probably continue as the damage is done, no reason not to at least poop.   Its like when you pop a big zit and it bleeds but you KNOW there is still a bit of pus in there.  You've already cut yourself - you're already going to have a bruise - so why not just finish what you started?

I digress - so I am so happy to be sitting on the toilet about to take a fast poop (depending on what the person purchased at Loblaws for reading material) or a long one (brochure for anything) and someone else comes in.   I find it terribly annoying because now I am going to have to wait until the person finishes up before I can summon the bravery to poop once again.   Its not that I really care how much noise I make - Korea cured me of that forever - its just more that there is something carefree about taking a dump with no one around to judge you or time you.   A person can just have some fun all alone.    Even a person who is super regular and takes dumps hourly knows that taking a poop - feeling it squeeze its way out like a cylindrical baby making its way into the world never gets old - its like 1/3 of an orgasm in my opinion - the build-up and the release (and about the same clean-up involved too!)

So I don't like to share the space with intruders.   I will gladly sit and wait until they decide to be polite and leave.   Usually though someone else will come in when they are just finishing up, and the whole process begins again.   I get really upset if the person comes into the stall next to me and sits down to take a dump as well - usually because they are shy and assume that since I have been sitting there for some time already, that I am no doubt just finishing up and preparing to wipe my ass and be on my way.

WRONG!

Now I have to make a choice.   Are they the type of person who also enjoys taking a dump and they were (are) planning on waiting for me to finish up and let them enjoy?   If they are 'that' kind of person, do they have less will-power than I do and will just rush right to the finish line (so I would wait), or do they like to tease themselves a bit - push it out a bit and suck it back in (you know what I am talking about everyone!).   Are they in a rush and have to do get it done?   Are they bored and wanting a change of atmosphere from their cubicle?   Maybe they don't care about any of the stuff I love about pooping and have just come to take a poop.   That would be ideal, but is rarely the case.  

And hearing the nosies that emanate from strangers in the stall next to me is pretty awful as well.   To alleviate my disgust I sometimes (depending on my mood) like to imagine that I have a 'sickth' sense about determining exactly what kind of crap they are in the midst of doing.   Its all how it sounds really - you can often get a hint by listening to the person breathe.

Sufficed to say - I don't like it when someone is in there when I am.   Its super-annoying.

I also don't like it when I've come into the stall only to find that someone else made a disposable toilet seat cover out of toilet paper and not flushed it - like they graciously left it for the next person, or they were so proud of their handiwork that it would have been a shame to just flush it without someone else at least SEEING the work - even if they had to intention to actually use it.   I have my suspiciions at my work who does these sorts of things.   Usually the same people don't wash their hands afterwards.

I shouldn't talk, because I rarely wash up either.   My reasoning?   I haven't touched any surface in the bathroom so my hands are as clean as I came in - or as dirty.

Being constipated

For my first "super annoying thing" I'd like to discuss constipation. I haven't taken a good crap for a couple of months now and I am really beginning to take it to heart when people tell me that I am "so full of shit". I know I am full of crap and I'd like to do something about it before I die prematurely with a whole bunch of semi-digested take-out food lodged in my colon.

All of the out of shape, bad eaters that I know regularly tell me what great dumps they're taking. What are they doing right? They should be dead by now, not sittign placidily on a toilet while I grunt and groan and strain for a plop the size of a Hershey's kiss.

Most shiver at the thought of taking a crap so big that their little starfish cries murder, but I don't. I relish the thought. I like to cry anyhow.

I tell myself daily that I will only eat salad and vegetables along with drinking water straight out of the toilet if need be, but these good intentions never come to fruition. I end up sipping about half a glass of water only because it reminds of gin, and I can use my rapidly fading acting training to really 'drink that cold glass of diluted gin' - primarily at work. It gives me a reason to harass employees and be sullen all day.

Anyways - being constipated is a super annoying thing.